Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
