the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Houston, we have a blender
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm having to shit out rocks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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