i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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