got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
