Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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