I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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