I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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