We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
