you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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