I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
time to smoke my breakfast
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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