so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
