I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
