I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
