i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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