This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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