Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
