i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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