You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
