wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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