i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
