I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
