I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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