Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
