Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
