u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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