I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
