I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
