White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
