Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
