I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
