why didn't you poke me back
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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