Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
