I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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