He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
last night I used snow as a chaser
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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