You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
