I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
