I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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