so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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