Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
