You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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