what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
