After last night, I could never be a politician.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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