I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
