The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
