Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
