I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
