Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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