You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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