i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
