He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
